I have always wondered about people who can pretend, in the passing of a few days, that a relationship never existed. I am astounded and a little frightened by people who can so utterly change their feelings and behaviors regarding someone else, from one extreme - "I love you" - to the other - "I hate you." Anyone who can say they hate someone they once loved, didn't ever love that person in the first place.
Or perhaps I'm completely off. Perhaps "they" are right when they say love is just one step from hate. Perhaps passing from loving someone to hating them is totally understandable (I can't believe that).
Dear M-
I know you think I hate you right now. At this time, I rather do. But I can assure you, with confidence, that my love for you is stronger and will last longer. I am very very hurt right now and that emotion is turning into frustration and anger. Those feelings are being shown because they are on the surface. I thought we were seperating because we love each other but we both know that right now, for various reasons, our relationship can't work. I am okay with and understanding about that. I am also very upset about it. So yes, I have been crying, hysterical, furious, unreasonable, mean, cold, hearbroken, and furious. I have said some things. I have vented at you when it was not the most mature decision to make at that moment. If, as you say, all the things I said hurt you so badly that you think I hate you, I am very very sorry. I KNOW I can use that to guilt-trip myself for the rest of my life.
Despite all that, I am absolutely in love with you. I love being married to you, even if it often doesn't seem like that. I love you. This whole experience of losing you has shown me just how crazy in love I am. Yeah, I know, it's probably just creepy and scary at this point.
I absolutely believe that we are meant for one another. I absolutely think (if we were to stay married) our marriage would continue to be thunder and lightening as long as we were married. I know we could learn to control ourselves and respect each other, and to show our emotions in healthy ways if we were given time and put in a lot of hard work. Heartbreakingly, you've made it CRYSTAL CLEAR you have no intention of doing that, or that if you do eventually learn those skills and put in that work, that I am not invited to that party. That does make me very sad. Very hurt.
I consider this the utmost betrayal. I suppose all betrayals are hurtful and surprising, but this one really takes the cake. The amount of physical pain/symptoms associated with it is pretty impressive. We made vows to stick together, forever. Those vows have been a part of my daily decision-making for a long time. They have had a DIRECT, clear, impact on my life for a year now. I think about them every time I look at my wedding ring. I feel like you don't think of them so often, nor take them so seriously (obviously?).
I do not believe in divorce, as a general rule. I DO think there are times when it is the best option. Perhaps I am wrong, but I do not think it is the answer here. I honestly think divorce is the "easy" way out for us. As in, seperation should give you everything you want, I think. Divorcing me - "snip, snip" as you like to say - honestly seems like a play to absolutely destroy me and any feelings I still have for you. Honestly. Like you are so hell-bent on never changing for the better that you would rather pretend we never had what we did. You would rather change hate to love (lotta work there?) instead of changing [I will too!] so we can be together later.
You have always seemed to pride yourself on how much I do not understand you. Well, honey, you have succeeded pretty intensely here. I am married to a stranger. I have no idea who you are; this person who laughs at my tears, spits venom, hangs up on my calls, and sneers at the sound of my voice. I cannot compute the change from the man who used to spend his precious little sleeping time during a deployment talking to me, to the man who refuses to talk to me because he has to get up in the morning for PT. I simply cannot make the connection between the man who brings me flowers when I'm sick and the man who plays "You're a Bitch" on our anniversary. I cannot connect the dots from the man who wrote me poetic love letters to the man who throws his wedding ring in the trash. That is one of the hardest things for me. I cannot connect these dots, and it's killing me.
I want to apologise for all the nasty things I've said, and the icy attitude I currently possess. I'm sure, somewhere in your soul, I am hurting your feelings. If you are truly capable of feelings other than hate and anger. If so, I am sorry. I do love you, and I do not try to hurt those I love. Okay, that's all bullshit. I am not sorry for a single thing I say right now, because I am POSITIVE you are incapable of hurting as badly as I do. In all actuality, if you think for a moment, I am sure you could realize that very likely, you are incapable of loving as I love you. Therefore, you are incapable of hurting as badly as I do. That may explain some things.
Someone told me that you don't know how to love. That you can fake it, but since you haven't done the work to become a healthy person, you can only fake it for a certain period of time before you crack and just push everyone away. This person said this behavior is your "love facade" cracking and you pushing me away. It just sucks for me that I'm the person caught in the middle of your cycle. Sigh. It truly does, suck.
I told you once that there was nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I still do believe that. But the part that loves you will be buried very deeply, in a secret, private place. Where it can't be hurt anymore.
I thought we were going to seperate so that we could eventually try again, when we were older and wiser. I am devastated that you won't even give us that chance. I am devastated at the change I am witnessing in you. I am heartbroken to see the intelligent, strong, caring man that I fell in love with morph into this immature, irrational, furious person. I am sure I am not that great right now either, so for that, I am sorry. I wish I could be more classy about this.
That's all for now.
Or perhaps I'm completely off. Perhaps "they" are right when they say love is just one step from hate. Perhaps passing from loving someone to hating them is totally understandable (I can't believe that).
Dear M-
I know you think I hate you right now. At this time, I rather do. But I can assure you, with confidence, that my love for you is stronger and will last longer. I am very very hurt right now and that emotion is turning into frustration and anger. Those feelings are being shown because they are on the surface. I thought we were seperating because we love each other but we both know that right now, for various reasons, our relationship can't work. I am okay with and understanding about that. I am also very upset about it. So yes, I have been crying, hysterical, furious, unreasonable, mean, cold, hearbroken, and furious. I have said some things. I have vented at you when it was not the most mature decision to make at that moment. If, as you say, all the things I said hurt you so badly that you think I hate you, I am very very sorry. I KNOW I can use that to guilt-trip myself for the rest of my life.
Despite all that, I am absolutely in love with you. I love being married to you, even if it often doesn't seem like that. I love you. This whole experience of losing you has shown me just how crazy in love I am. Yeah, I know, it's probably just creepy and scary at this point.
I absolutely believe that we are meant for one another. I absolutely think (if we were to stay married) our marriage would continue to be thunder and lightening as long as we were married. I know we could learn to control ourselves and respect each other, and to show our emotions in healthy ways if we were given time and put in a lot of hard work. Heartbreakingly, you've made it CRYSTAL CLEAR you have no intention of doing that, or that if you do eventually learn those skills and put in that work, that I am not invited to that party. That does make me very sad. Very hurt.
I consider this the utmost betrayal. I suppose all betrayals are hurtful and surprising, but this one really takes the cake. The amount of physical pain/symptoms associated with it is pretty impressive. We made vows to stick together, forever. Those vows have been a part of my daily decision-making for a long time. They have had a DIRECT, clear, impact on my life for a year now. I think about them every time I look at my wedding ring. I feel like you don't think of them so often, nor take them so seriously (obviously?).
I do not believe in divorce, as a general rule. I DO think there are times when it is the best option. Perhaps I am wrong, but I do not think it is the answer here. I honestly think divorce is the "easy" way out for us. As in, seperation should give you everything you want, I think. Divorcing me - "snip, snip" as you like to say - honestly seems like a play to absolutely destroy me and any feelings I still have for you. Honestly. Like you are so hell-bent on never changing for the better that you would rather pretend we never had what we did. You would rather change hate to love (lotta work there?) instead of changing [I will too!] so we can be together later.
You have always seemed to pride yourself on how much I do not understand you. Well, honey, you have succeeded pretty intensely here. I am married to a stranger. I have no idea who you are; this person who laughs at my tears, spits venom, hangs up on my calls, and sneers at the sound of my voice. I cannot compute the change from the man who used to spend his precious little sleeping time during a deployment talking to me, to the man who refuses to talk to me because he has to get up in the morning for PT. I simply cannot make the connection between the man who brings me flowers when I'm sick and the man who plays "You're a Bitch" on our anniversary. I cannot connect the dots from the man who wrote me poetic love letters to the man who throws his wedding ring in the trash. That is one of the hardest things for me. I cannot connect these dots, and it's killing me.
I want to apologise for all the nasty things I've said, and the icy attitude I currently possess. I'm sure, somewhere in your soul, I am hurting your feelings. If you are truly capable of feelings other than hate and anger. If so, I am sorry. I do love you, and I do not try to hurt those I love. Okay, that's all bullshit. I am not sorry for a single thing I say right now, because I am POSITIVE you are incapable of hurting as badly as I do. In all actuality, if you think for a moment, I am sure you could realize that very likely, you are incapable of loving as I love you. Therefore, you are incapable of hurting as badly as I do. That may explain some things.
Someone told me that you don't know how to love. That you can fake it, but since you haven't done the work to become a healthy person, you can only fake it for a certain period of time before you crack and just push everyone away. This person said this behavior is your "love facade" cracking and you pushing me away. It just sucks for me that I'm the person caught in the middle of your cycle. Sigh. It truly does, suck.
I told you once that there was nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I still do believe that. But the part that loves you will be buried very deeply, in a secret, private place. Where it can't be hurt anymore.
I thought we were going to seperate so that we could eventually try again, when we were older and wiser. I am devastated that you won't even give us that chance. I am devastated at the change I am witnessing in you. I am heartbroken to see the intelligent, strong, caring man that I fell in love with morph into this immature, irrational, furious person. I am sure I am not that great right now either, so for that, I am sorry. I wish I could be more classy about this.
That's all for now.
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