I am so overwhelmed. I went to my second therapy session today and felt like there was so much to cover I don't even want to start explaining myself.
Work. I am SO BLESSED to have a job, and I am thankful for it, but I am so sick of the monotony. It's so damn boring. Even having to wake up at 0545 every morning is boring and irritating. I'd rather work at a bar and actually be able to make friends and talk to people. Instead I'm getting up before the sun every morning and dragging myself out of my cozy bed to go be assigned to work with people I don't necessarily want to converse with at 0700, and apparently neither do they! I also constantly feel pressured to stay later outside of my scheduled shift, either to get more work done and because others are staying, or because I know I can use the money (damn debt and needing new tires!!).
Car. Again, I am SO BLESSED to have a working vehicle that I love, but shit. It needs attention I can't afford to give it right now. ...Right? Maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.
Speaking of priorities... I feel like such a slacker. I am disgusted by my body since it's gone back to it's pre-training fitness and appearance. Ugh. I can't stand it; but I keep eating and drinking and not exercising as I please. And don't even tell me to PT, because I hate doing it by myself and despite all the other people in this world who are ALWAYS "seeking a gym/workout/run partner" NOBODY will commit to me or even respond to my requests half the time.
I feel guilty cause I haven't gone to church in over a month, or read my Bible. I haven't even prayed that much.
Matthew's back in town and I want to see him. I fucking miss him, a ton. I'm just afraid of the can of worms I may open if I contact him. And of the possible -- likely -- hurt and pain of seeing him. And yet, I still think I need to see him once more before I move on. I'm very conflicted on and stressed about this issue. But I seriously fucking miss him. A lot a lot.
I won't get into my feelings about something I do once a month, but I'll just say I really really really fucking hate it and it's not my period.
I have, like, no friends. I'm not sure how I turned into a goddamn hermit but I kinda feel like one. I hang out with Bree often, and that's pretty much it. I see the rooms and their pals. Sol will hang out. Ummm yeah. I guess rekindling a relationship with Korey and Steel. But yeah, fuck man, I pretty much lay around even though I'm off between 230 - 3 every day and do nothing.
Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by my pathetic-ness. I don't think that's a word. But fuck me. And I don't really feel sorry for myself, I just feel suuuper demotivated.
Work. I am SO BLESSED to have a job, and I am thankful for it, but I am so sick of the monotony. It's so damn boring. Even having to wake up at 0545 every morning is boring and irritating. I'd rather work at a bar and actually be able to make friends and talk to people. Instead I'm getting up before the sun every morning and dragging myself out of my cozy bed to go be assigned to work with people I don't necessarily want to converse with at 0700, and apparently neither do they! I also constantly feel pressured to stay later outside of my scheduled shift, either to get more work done and because others are staying, or because I know I can use the money (damn debt and needing new tires!!).
Car. Again, I am SO BLESSED to have a working vehicle that I love, but shit. It needs attention I can't afford to give it right now. ...Right? Maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.
Speaking of priorities... I feel like such a slacker. I am disgusted by my body since it's gone back to it's pre-training fitness and appearance. Ugh. I can't stand it; but I keep eating and drinking and not exercising as I please. And don't even tell me to PT, because I hate doing it by myself and despite all the other people in this world who are ALWAYS "seeking a gym/workout/run partner" NOBODY will commit to me or even respond to my requests half the time.
I feel guilty cause I haven't gone to church in over a month, or read my Bible. I haven't even prayed that much.
Matthew's back in town and I want to see him. I fucking miss him, a ton. I'm just afraid of the can of worms I may open if I contact him. And of the possible -- likely -- hurt and pain of seeing him. And yet, I still think I need to see him once more before I move on. I'm very conflicted on and stressed about this issue. But I seriously fucking miss him. A lot a lot.
I won't get into my feelings about something I do once a month, but I'll just say I really really really fucking hate it and it's not my period.
I have, like, no friends. I'm not sure how I turned into a goddamn hermit but I kinda feel like one. I hang out with Bree often, and that's pretty much it. I see the rooms and their pals. Sol will hang out. Ummm yeah. I guess rekindling a relationship with Korey and Steel. But yeah, fuck man, I pretty much lay around even though I'm off between 230 - 3 every day and do nothing.
Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by my pathetic-ness. I don't think that's a word. But fuck me. And I don't really feel sorry for myself, I just feel suuuper demotivated.
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