Monday, December 29, 2014

My opinion on American birth culture

     It is so frustrating to me to see all the drama and hot feelings that surround pregnancy and birth, although I am quite guilty of the same. In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit now that I am definitely part of the "empowerment" camp.

     As far back as I remember (actually I think it was when I read Little House on the Prairie with my mom in elementary school) I have believed is most logical to birth children at home. At the time, I reasoned that it is the way it has been done for thousands of years and only in recent times have women begun having their babies in hospitals.

     After the research I did while pregnant, my main argument is that the theme of pregnancy and birth in America is fear. Fear that "something will go wrong" with the baby or the pregnancy or the birth. This is so sad to me. Pregnancies are now filled with tests and checks and even multiple emergency room visits. Why on earth? It seems that nine times out of ten, there is little to no reason for all of these medical procedures. Even if something is "discovered", for example with ultrasound, often it can turn out to be a false positive. If the pregnancy and birth culture was not so fear-driven, women would be more confident in their bodies and not cart themselves off to the hospital when they don't feel the baby move for over six hours, or are dehydrated, or have some spotting.

      I say this out of love: CALM DOWN! If you are dying, you will know! If you are having a miscarriage, you will know! If something is actually really wrong, your body will tell you! Trust your body; trust yourself! Don't listen to all the negativity and fear mongering. Do your own research, talk to your significant other, make informed decisions that YOU can live with.  If you are having a perfectly average pregnancy and are of average to good health, there is literally no reason for you to be afraid.

     I think our culture and medical professionals inadvertently create a fearful environment. They warn of all the dangers of over-easy eggs and lunch meat; they emphasize the importance of not missing a single appointment or test; biggest question surrounding birth planning is "are you going to have an epidural or try to do it natural?", completely ignoring the thousands of other options surrounding labor.

     Choice as a whole is removed from the mother. When she checks into the hospital, she signs the forms that agree to the fact that there are medical professionals who must make their best informed professional decisions about her birth. Anyone who has checked themselves into the hospital and been upset with the results (excepting extremely irresponsible decisions, like malpractice) needs to realize they gave up their true power to choose.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Regrets

Sometimes
We drown ourselves

In hope
In dreams

Emotional waterboarding
Choking on love


I guess that's okay
I guess none of us are perfect
Honestly, we're all a mess. 
[their own cluster of fuck. dont deny it, it makes you look pathetic]
The closer you get to someone the bigger their pores get
But maybe love airbrushes them for you




It was like watching a plane crash
I saw it happening
I knew it was bad
And about to get worse

But there was nothing I could do to stop it
Indeed, I was the cause

My Ciroc-soaked mind
Couldn't comprehend
Couldn't even remember
What I just said

The light to the fuse
Cloaked by fog

But the feeling, the raw emotion
I remember, sharp as a knife

humiliation
terror
pain
this ache
so confused
did I do this
what's happening


It's too late now.
As they say, 
The damage is done.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

False Starts and Expectations

The irony is so thick it makes me sick
I was afraid to get hurt
My head spinning like a top
With negative thoughts
I cried, I tried
To explain
But all that came out was
No

Now I'm the one
Hurt
And you're the one
Confused

You said I'm not ready
But I am
When I said I wasn't good at this
That wasn't doublespeak
That was as clear as I could be

I'm trying
Crying
To communicate
And now you're shut down
Shut
Off

Because now you're the one
afraid
To get hurt.
Saying,
No.

So who's really afraid?
And who's really trying?

And in the end,
Will this be a suffocated dream?

Full of possibility
Hope

A thought unfinished

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Every day you make a choice...

...the lie is that you tell yourself it's permanent.

     Every day you decide whether to find the closest parking spot you can to the entrance, or just any random space. Every day you decide whether to drive or walk down the block. Every day you decide whether to keep glaring with jealousy at your skinner/healthier friends on social media, or make a healthier choice yourself. Every day you decide whether to talk about how you used to be a smaller size, or how you are working toward that size. Every day you decide whether to reminisce about your old running or biking or volleyball days, or to start up again.

     You can stop hating your body. You can stop telling yourself you "can't wear that". You can stop being embarrassed during summer. You can stop feeling ugly. You can stop feeling ashamed. You can stop being jealous of and irritated by those more fit people on your feed. You can stop telling yourself you enjoy being lazy, or you're embracing yourself as you are, or you don't have the discipline or money to eat a special way.

     You don't have to be a gym rat. You don't have to have a special watch to tell you how many steps you've taken, or how many calories you've burned. You don't have to cut out sugar or flour. You don't have to quit coffee; hell, you don't have to quit smoking. You don't need running shoes or headphones or moisture-wicking UnderArmour. You don't need to "make a life change". You don't need to "become" anything that you're not.

     You just have to start a dialogue with yourself. Set a small, attainable goal. The point of this goal is to reach it! To fit into your same jeans, to lose fifteen pounds, to take a twenty-minute walk once a week for a six weeks, to not eat desserts for thirty days, to cut out alcohol for a week, to drink only water as a beverage all day... pick something that is meaningful to you, that is slightly better than what you currently do, and that you know you can do.

     When you know you're about to do what you always do, or eat whatever you usually eat, just check yourself and adjust. And if you don't? If you just do the same thing? That's okay! Negative self-talk never made anybody change anything! It just makes you resent yourself.

     You also have to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all the decisions you've made that have created an unhealthy environment. Forgive yourself for when you don't make the good choices. Forgive yourself if you don't reach your goal. Realize every choice you make is a one-time choice. It is not permanent.

     If you set a goal of parking far away from the entrance to your job, but you don't do it cause you give yourself an excuse, it's okay! Just ask yourself, "how do I feel about not working towards my goal?" "Do I feel more happy in myself when I make choice A or choice B?" "How will I feel if I meet my goal?" You will have many more opportunities to make good choices! Every time you sit down and watch TV or play on the computer. Every time you lay in bed with your spouse and talk instead of taking a stroll to chat. Every time you walk open the fridge. Every time you go to a restaurant.

     It's a split-second decision to have soda or water. It's not permanent; you can change your mind either way at anytime. You get to make this choice every day.

     You get to choose to get better or stay the same.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Living by Grace

   Grace.
      A word meaning soft, controlled movement. Also an attitude: to give grace; to be gentle and forgiving. Saved by grace; the easing of our culpability by God's forgiveness through the death of Jesus.

     I need to remember these things. I have been saved by grace; it is my responsibility to show my thankfulness through living by grace to others. To love and forgive them. It is my duty to show my daughter to live a life of grace. A life lived with class, humility, forgiveness, beauty, and thankfulness.

Friday, September 5, 2014

9/5/2014

You don't know me. You really don't know me. You don't know how crazy I can get. Only one person really knows that. Very few have had glimpses.

The complicated part is the gray area between what goes on in my head and what comes out of my mouth.

You have no fucking clue who I am. What I've been through. What I've put myself through, the standards I've held myself to. The promises I've made, and broken, and why.

I've lived too many lifetimes. I don't even know what the next one could possibly be.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The Difference Between Babies and Dolls...

The differences between babies and dolls are few, but after almost a year of having a baby all to myself, I am beginning to learn.

1) Babies are heavier

2) Babies can move on their own

3) Babies do not have long hair

4) Babies poop in the bathtub

5) Babies' fingernails grow, fast

6) Babies don't like to wear clothes or get dressed