Christmas 2013

This little baby is so much fun. She is such a blessing.

If you don't WANT to be around her, if you don't crave being in her life, then you don't deserve her. Not by a long shot. You don't deserve photos of her, to be able to point at her image and proclaim parenthood with pride. You don't deserve to see her perfect smile. You don't deserve to know all the little things that illustrate her genius. I could go on and on... she's amazing, and if you don't already realize and respect that that, you don't deserve her.

This little boogabutt. It breaks my heart (literally) that I have to leave her almost every day. It kills me that 90% of the time I'm with her, I'm sleeping. I adore this kid. When I'm not with her, I can't think about her or I'm a mess. I can't work. I'm afraid she's sad or overstimulated or missing me or her caregiver can't soothe her. But I also know this job and the insurance are blessings and I am everlastingly grateful that money is not a worry for me. I know that is HUGE.

Therefore, it's not about the money. Nor is it about responsibility. Correct, I did not make this baby by myself. But I did decide to have her by myself. I did decide to raise her by myself. I don't think he's made either of those decisions yet. And because of that (Laziness? Procrastination? Avoidance? Fear? Immaturity?), he's missing out (not really my problem). No, it's not about the money. It's not about teaching him a lesson, or guilt-tripping or coercing him into being in her life. It's about her. It's about opportunity and security. College opportunities. The security that if something unplanned were to happen, she won't be deprived because of my pride. Not about nice things for her, I can provide those well enough. But if he doesn't want to be around, I'm pretty much fine with that. At least when she graduates high school, she'll know she can go to any school and start her life off with a boost, because of him. And I am very, very good with that.